The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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