Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Randomize
