dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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