totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
