you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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