Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize