So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
