i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
