How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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