I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
