I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
