i think my mom watched the whole time
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
