suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
