maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
