I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
