Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize