last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
