Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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