***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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