I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
