So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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