The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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