When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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