trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
