Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
