the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize