I am spending my child support on dildos
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
