that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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