Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
