21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
