The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize