Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
