M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize