im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
