home. puking in laundry basket.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Green mimosas i think yes
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
