I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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