Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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