you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
