Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
