If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
