Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
