I intend to get homeless drunk
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
