I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
