my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think i have two assholes
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
