i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
