OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
