I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
