I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
