There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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