The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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