Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
