I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
