There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
