Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
why does every cop we meet know your name?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
