Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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