i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
