btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
