Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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