Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
