I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
