my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
