Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize