I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
