I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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