there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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