its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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