im drinking this country out of the recession.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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